Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato
by Hikaru Morinaga
Summary: Crackfic for Xirysa. Wallace and his superheroine girlfriend Vaida, along with their senshi pals, just wanted to look at potatoes. But an old friend of Wallace's named Marfiore wants to ruin things, because he's evil. FE version of the SM R movie.
1. Chapter 1

**Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato**

**-One-**

**Author's Note:** For Xirysa, who requested Tuxedo Wallace. This is one hundred percent pure, unadulterated crack, and it is not only a modern AU, but it's the Fire Emblem version of Sailor Moon R: The Movie.

**Warnings:** Weirdness, Fourth Wall breaking

-x-

"Why are we here again?" Vaida looked around at all of the different types of potatoes. Next to her was the man she considered her 'boyfriend', but only because Fate thought it was a good idea, Wallace. Vaida had her arms crossed, but that was nothing new. Behind them were their friends, Canas, Serra, Rebecca, Sain, and their brat for a son Heath. Vaida never even wanted kids, but Fate decided that not only was she going to marry Wallace, but they were to have a son named Heath. Sometimes Vaida wanted to spit in Fate's eye.

"Because this was the grand opening of a potato greenhouse," Wallace said, his fingers fiddling with the cap he used to cover his bald head.

"I hate potatoes," Vaida muttered, but she went along with Wallace anyway. It wasn't like she had anything better to do.

"Can we go outside?" Serra asked as Canas shoved her aside to get a closer look at an unusually shaped potato. "At this rate, I'm going to smell like potatoes, and I have a date later today, so."

Wallace was about to protest when Vaida charged towards the back exit. She hated potatoes, which was unfortunate because her boyfriend was obsessed with them. Serra followed after her, leaving Wallace and Canas towards the back of the line.

"Don't worry," Wallace muttered to a potato that looked like his ex-girlfriend Madelyn, "I'll be back later."

-x-

It was raining French fries.

"I have to be dreaming," Vaida said, as a particularly fat fry landed smack dab on her forehead. "Surely it can't be raining shredded _potatoes_."

"French fries," Heath said, removing one from his head and eating it. He made a contemplative look and said, "Needs ketchup."

Serra shrieked, "There's going to be grease stains on my new dress!"

Canas analysed one with his mini-computer, which was really a netbook. "These are indeed bonafide French fries."

Wallace didn't care. It was raining _potatoes_. This was better than Christmas!

"I think the world is ending," Vaida said, before getting her eye poked out.

They didn't care to notice two people with baskets of French fries on the two nearby awnings throwing them onto the senshi below, or the guy who stood on the edge of the fountain right in the middle of the potato garden.

"Wallace, is that you?" the young man standing on the fountain asked, his hair blowing dramatically in the wind generated by means of a giant fan. He discreetly spoke into his watch. "Cain, Abel, you can stop throwing food now. Frey, cut the fan."

The French fry shower stopped and so did the wind, and finally everyone noticed the young man standing there before them.

"Who are you?" Serra asked. There was something about this guy she just didn't like. It could have been the tiara—who wears a tiara and is a guy?

The young man ignored her. "Wallace, you don't recognize me?"

Wallace stared at the guy before him and gave him a long, hard look.

"Aren't you that Eil guy?" Wallace wasn't the best at putting names to faces. Vaida elbowed him.

"Stop watching so much television," she scolded.

The guy looked disappointed. "You don't remember your good friend, Mar—Fiore?"

_Good going, Marth,_ the prince of something-or-other thought, as he ran a hand through his hair. _You can't even remember who you are in this season!_

"Marfiore?"

The young man who was now named Marfiore just sighed. "Sure, let's go with that."

Wallace scratched his head. "Come to think of it… I do! We were in Caelin together, you and I."

"Look," Vaida said, butting into the rather confusing reunion, "I don't know who the hell you are, or why you decided to throw food at us, but I'd appreciate it if you just left me and my boyfriend alone so we can just get the hell out of here."

Marfiore did not this woman's attitude. No one was to treat the Prince of Something-or-other this way!

"Madam, please," Marfiore said, his eyes narrowed slightly. Even in his anger he couldn't help but be polite. "I don't appreciate you butting into a conversation I am attempting to have with an old friend." He shoved her out of the way, and Vaida fell in slow motion. "Go away," he finished weakly.

"Hey," Wallace said, sizing Marfiore up. Like every character his voice actor was credited for, Marfiore was a slender, pretty thing that drove fangirls of all sorts mad, and Wallace? Wallace was this bulky, tall figure who reminded Marfiore of a pro wrestler in an ugly orange sweater and black slacks. Marfiore was not afraid at all since he had potatoes on his side.

"It's not knightly to push women, no matter how rude they happen to be!" Wallace pulled out a copy of a rather large tome from what one can only assume was hammerspace, and opened it to a specific page. "The Manual of Knightly Prowess says as much." He closed it and it disappeared like magic. Marth was impressed, and then remembered he was Marfiore. At least right now.

_I can't wait to get out of here_, Marfiore thought, _so I can tell Caeda that I resorted to throwing fried potato strips at people for money._

"I'll give you that," Marfiore admitted, "but I won't rest until you're mine, Wallace—I mean…"

_Damn cue cards._

"I won't forget about our promise, Wallace," Marfiore corrected. "I'll keep an eye on you…" He then whispered into his watch, "Now!"

Fog rolled in and Marfiore ran out into the street, nearly got hit by a bright red Ferrari, and into the bushes he went.

"Well," Vaida said, still on the ground. "That was unexpected."

Wallace held out a hand and she ignored it.

"Not on your life, Teapot," she said, brushing the remnants of the French fries off. Wallace shrugged.

"It was worth a shot," he said.

Serra, meanwhile, was updating her Facebook status, and Wallace meandered back inside to look at all the potatoes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato**

**-Two-**

**Author's note:** Still cracky, still for Xirysa, still breaks the fourth wall. Marth is still probably the only one remotely in character, but I tried to do the same with everyone else. I really like my Serra and Sain in this. Oh, and Vaida.

**Warnings:** Crack, might make you hungry for french fries or other potato products.

-x-

Vaida trudged down the stairs as her doorbell rang incessantly, Heath looking over the railing in his wyvern-patterned pajamas, toothbrush still in his mouth.

_Who the hell would be bothering me this early in the morning?_ She looked through the peephole of her apartment door and found Wallace standing there with a bag of groceries in his arms. He seemed to be whistling a little tune even, and then she realized he had an iPod earbud in his one ear.

_Why am I not surprised by this?_

Vaida undid the deadbolt and opened the door, noting he was still wearing that ugly orange sweater.

_I thought I told him to throw that thing out…_

"Why are you here this early? I thought I told you that any time before eight in the morning was unacceptable."

Wallace invited himself in, but not before letting out his characteristic "GWA HA HA" laugh Vaida often found annoying.

_Remind me again why I marry this man again?_

Vaida closed the door and redid the deadbolt before following him to the kitchen, where Wallace was unloading the bag he brought with him.

"I figured I'd be nice and make breakfast," Wallace said with a grin. Vaida stared at him blankly.

"Do what you want, Teapot. I'm going to make sure Heath isn't bothering the family wyvern."

When she left the kitchen, Wallace oiled up a frying pan and got out his favourite type of potato.

"Time for some potato pancakes!"

If only Wallace knew Vaida hated potatoes.

-x-

"Beauteous Serra," Sain practically sang when the pink haired senshi of fire opened her door. "The sun is beautiful today, shining upon your lovely heart-shaped face, but even it cannot compare—"

"Right," Serra said, leaning an arm against the door jamb. "Glorious, Sain. Can't you just come to my door and say, 'Hi,' like any normal person?"

Sain pouted. "But Serra, normal people can't see how wonderful you are!"

Serra sighed and gestured inside. "Just get inside so this meeting can start."

Sain walked past her and made it into the meeting room; she knew because he immediately opened with, "Oh beautiful Rebecca…"

_Sometimes I wonder what I did for Elimine to punish me like this_, Serra thought. _ I don't mind the flattery, because I __**am**__ beautiful, but…_

She slid the door closed and made her way into the room she designated as the place where their 'important meetings' would occur. Well, she didn't even designate it—it was the closest to the kitchen, where Rebecca spent most of her time, and it had bookcases, which was where Canas spent most of his time, and Sain had just plopped his rear down one day and loudly declared that this was their 'lair'.

_Sometimes I wonder why I have a thing for Sain._

Serra sat down as graceful as a priestess was expected to and cleared her throat. Sain stopped gawking at all the girls, Canas looked up from his book and readjusted his monocle, Rebecca poked her head out of the kitchen, and Vaida was in the corner, arms crossed. Sain jokingly referred to it as the 'Vaida corner'.

"Why did you call this meeting so early in the morning?" Vaida complained. "I need my beauty sleep."

"Oh virtuous Vaida—"

"Can it, Chevelier," the senshi leader snapped. She leaned her head against the side of a bookcase.

"Because we need to discuss this Marfiore guy and his connections to Wallace," Serra said calmly, even though she wanted to whack everyone with her staff.

Sain composed himself. This was no time to admire the women! "Marfiore said he was an old friend, didn't he?"

"Yeah," Serra said. "What's your point?"

"Well, what if they were more than just old friends?"

Vaida chuckled. "Are you insinuating that good old Teapot Wallington is…was…gay?"

Sain slammed his fists on the table and then shook them. Serra just shook her head—the table was obviously solid oak.

"The Wallinator? Clangwalliston? Gay?"

"Now that you mention it," Rebecca said, as she wiped her hands on her bright green apron, "I _did_ notice they were pretty close…"

Serra added, "It's always the ones on wrestling teams…"

Canas didn't care much for gossip. _Why am I even here? Can I have a replacement?_ Canas knew better than to expect an answer from the Power That Is.

"Why don't you just ask the guy?" Vaida suggested, her eyes focused on the clock on the opposite wall. "I'm sure he'll set you all straight."

They all just stared at her.

"That was a horrible pun," Sain remarked. Vaida threw a pillow at him and somehow missed. Sain counted himself as lucky.

"Well this was fun and all, but I'm just going to let myself out," Vaida said, before standing and stretching. "I'll see you guys…hopefully not any time soon."

As soon as Vaida was out of earshot, Serra said, "And people say _I'm_ bitchy?"

"Dearest Serra—"

"Sain, don't start or I will throw you the hell out of here."

Sain's ego deflated like a balloon that wasn't filled with any air to begin with.

-x-

"I haven't seen Vaida around in a while," Mark said, as he reclined against a tree trunk in the park. His friend Chris was watching cherry blossom petals shower down on him in morbid fascination. He was easily amused. Mark didn't judge him for it.

"I've seen Wallace," Mark continued, hands behind his head now. "But he's always at the supermarket. The only supermarket in all of Lycia that has such a vast amount of produce…"

"Wallace works in the supermarket," Chris said, his green hair swaying in the breeze. "It's expected that you'd see him there every day, at the same time."

"I don't know how that place stays in business," Mark said. "All Wallace does is force everyone to buy potatoes. It's weird."

"Uhn." Chris's eyes suddenly noticed a strange looking potato lying underneath a tree nearby. It was a purple-black, arranged to look like French fries in a ring.

"Dude," Chris said, hitting Mark's arm, "whazzat over there?" He flipped his eyepatch up just to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

"A tree," Mark said, bored. "I know you have jellyfish for brains, but come _on_."

"No shit it's a tree." Chris glared at Mark. "I meant what's that _under the tree_."

Mark shrugged, his pink hair falling into his eyes. "Grass." _Moron._

Chris got up from his spot next to Mark and walked over to the strange looking potato. He had a sinking feeling that this was no ordinary French fry ring. He was the Hero of Shadows, after all. At least that's what he called himself in World of Warcraft. He was the awesome druid named MyUnit who was the Hero of Shadows. Mark always made fun of him.

_That's because Mark is just jealous_, he thought, as he knelt down to smell the potato.

That was when something popped out from the center, scaring the hell out of Chris. He cried out and was knocked flat on his ass. Mark looked up from his comic book about zombies to see what all the commotion was about and saw some morph-like spider thing.

"Dammit, Chris," Mark muttered as he got to his feet so he could save his friend, "I can't take you anywhere."

The morph-spider thing spun a web around the helpless Chris, all the while cackling about dark orbs and dragons and falchions.

_I gotta lay off the comic books_, Mark thought. That was the last thing he remembered before his world went black.

-x-

"What in the name of Bern _are these things_?"

All Vaida wanted to do was get her hair cut, but no, there had to be some Resident Evil-like spider monsters popping out of French fries.

_What next, people popping out of the woodwork?_

She got on her communicator, which looked like an ordinary Blackberry. Serra picked up.

"I was going to _shower_, you know," she said, hostility in her voice.

"Well, pumpkin, that's going to have to wait," Vaida said, rolling her eyes. "Looks like there's a bug problem. A _big_ bug problem."

Serra's face paled. "Bugs? I don't do bugs!"

Vaida snorted. "What kind of senshi are you, then? Come by the hair place. Meanwhile, I'll go kick some ass." She hung up before there could be any reply. She pocketed the Blackberry and pulled out what appeared to be a bracelet. After whispering a short, foreign sounding phrase and holding it up in the air like an idiot before there was a blinding flash of light. Vaida felt a sensation of warmth, not to mention it tingled and also hurt like a bitch all at once. Instead of plain jeans and a t-shirt, she looked like a warrior in skimpy clothing, a deadly looking lance in hand.

Despite the fact that she was in the middle of a crowded street, no one noticed at all.

_These people really are quite oblivious._

Elsewhere in Elibe, Wallace was forcing people to buy potatoes when his Vaida is In Danger sense started to tingle. He gently placed the potatoes down, threw off his apron, and went to the bathroom to change. No one noticed a man in a cape, top hat, mask, and armor-tuxedo run out of the store.

-x-

Heath was on his way to school, his Power Rangers lunchbox swinging in time with his arms, his iPod blaring some weird, generic music when suddenly he was faced with a fight between Sailor Senshi and weird French fry monsters.

"Um… Did I just step into a horror movie?"

Vaida stabbed one monster right through the stomach and kicked another in the face. Serra whacked at a vine arm with her staff before it was knocked from her hands. Then she started punching it as hard as she could, gritting her teeth as she did so.

"Let go of me!" she shrieked, and the monster narrowed its eyes, backhanded poor Serra, and threw her into a phone booth.

"Dammit, Mars!" Vaida shouted, elbowing another monster in the head. "I thought you could set things on fire?"

Serra was knocked out cold and thus couldn't reply. Sain was distracted by the fact that the beauteous Sailor Mars had been knocked out, and didn't see the spider thing with its web coming straight towards him. He managed to punch it in the face and use his Chain of Manlove, but it wasn't enough to subdue the monster, and he got captured in its web.

Wallace, meanwhile, was chucking potatoes at the things, which proved super effective in that they one hit killed them.

"From potatoes you were born," he said, as he threw one up in the air and then kicked it into another monster's head, "and to potatoes you will return." He bowed his head for a moment of silence.

"Teapot!" Vaida shouted, ruining the moment of silence completely. "Watch yourself! There's a strange looking man behind you on that lightpole!"

A hand was raised and the monsters vanished, indeed back into potatoes, and the city calmed. The senshi that were still conscious kept their guard up, even Wallace, who considered himself invincible anyway. The man on the lightpole clapped slowly, like one does at a golf game.

_Sorry, everyone_, thought the man, whose real name was actually Marth, but for the purposes of this, was named Marfiore, _but I have to feed my family. War is a terrible, terrible thing._

"Wallace!" called Marfiore, and in an instant he was down from the lightpole and on the ground next to the armor-tuxedoed man. He smiled softly, until he noticed his friend's wounds.

"Yow! Those wounds… They must be treated at once…"

Wallace looked down and noticed he was a mess of blood and…he didn't even really know what else, except that it vaguely resembled mashed potatoes.

"Nothing I can't handle," said Wallace, and Marfiore narrowed his eyes on Vaida's approach.

"Listen, you nutcase," said Vaida, who was eloquent as usual, an angry sneer on her face as she looked down her nose at him, "we told you yesterday to stay away from us, and I do not like to repeat myself! Wallace wants nothing to do with you, and whatever promises he made back then he's obviously forgotten. Move on, let go, and leave us alone!"

Marfiore looked between Vaida and Wallace, Wallace and Vaida, and back again, and said, very calmly, "This is the obstacle in our path, Wallace." He didn't intend to sound that sultry, but that was the way it came out. "I will not lose you again—I've lost you once, but now… I'm not going to let this warrior princess get in my way!" He pulled out a sword and lunged for Vaida, who blocked it with ease.

"Teapot! A little support here would be nice."

Marfiore grit his teeth and his leaned into the blow, trying to snap her flimsy lance in two. "'Teapot'? That is what you call him?"

"Well yes," said Vaida, stiffly, as she dodged under Marfiore's next swing and stabbed at him, drawing blood from a minor cut she managed to give him.

_That's it? Just one lousy cut? Maybe Serra was right, I should practice with Sain…_

"You do notice that the armor he's wearing makes him resemble a teapot, right?"

Marfiore wasn't going to fall for her distraction techniques. He pulled his arm back and was ready to stick his blade through her heart, but Wallace wasn't going to have none of that. He moved in the way of the attack, all the while Vaida was screaming, "You idiot! Move out of the way, I can handle this myself!" and the sword pierced through the armor, denting it. Marfiore was devastated at what had happened.

_I'm losing my touch here._

He grabbed Wallace before anyone could react and teleported back to his lightpole.

"Don't worry," he said, a smile on his face, "I'll take good care of him."

Vaida snorted. "Good riddance he's out of my hair."

Marfiore disappeared via taxi cab (after he got down from his perch of course), an unconscious Wallace on the seat next to him.

"Um, Vaida?"

"Yes, Rebecca?"

Rebecca looked uncertain of herself for a moment, but then determination crept back into her eyes. "What are we going to do about Serra and Sain?"

Vaida turned around and saw that Sain was unconscious in a spider's web and Serra was just plain unconscious. Vaida clicked her tongue.

"Worms will have to learn to be more careful. Leave them—they should come to soon."

She headed in the direction she was originally going in in the first place.

"Where are you going?" Rebecca asked, de-transforming (once again, no one noticed).

"Where do you think? To get my hair cut."

Rebecca sighed and noticed that Heath was rooted to the spot. Literally.

"Heath, are you going to be all right?"

Heath screamed. "Does it look like I'm all right? I almost got killed, I need clean pants, and I'm stuck by some demonic tree!"

Rebecca managed to pull him free, but Heath had to walk home without any shoes.

_At least they weren't my favourite ones_, he thought. _Even so, walking home in nice clean socks sucks balls._


	3. Chapter 3

**Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato**

**-Three-**

**Author's note:** Standard warnings and everything from the previous chapters still applies.

-x-

A few days passed since Wallace was kidnapped by Marfiore. Many of the potatoes Wallace held dear to his heart in the produce aisle of Wal-Mart had turned out to be evil French fry potato vessels that were used in creating these strange and unusual monsters. They were more like eggs in that they "hatched" out of them, but inside they still had their potato taste, insides, and skin.

"So how is that possible?" Serra asked their resident monocle-wearing bookworm as they sat in the 'meeting room' of her house. It was Thursday, which meant he was supposed to be tutoring Serra on the Ways of Magic Using Badassery, but instead he was looking up information about where these evil potatoes came from.

"I don't know," Canas answered, his nose almost touching the LCD of his laptop. "Google is coming up with nothing."

Serra let out a frustrated sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Well if Google can't find anything, then we're doomed."

-x-

Vaida didn't want to admit it, not even to her cat Raven, but she missed Wallace and his talk of potatoes and how he one day wanted to own a potato farm. She even missed his shiny, bald head, and normally she hated baldness. So when Vaida decided to call a meeting at her place, the senshi knew something was up.

Vaida hated meetings.

"As much as I hate to say it," Vaida said, mug of coffee in her hands, "I kind of miss Teapot."

Serra sat on the couch next to Sain; she'd traded in her customary pigtails for a simple ponytail gathered at the top of her head. Sain wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Even if you didn't," said Serra, "we'd still have to form a plan to get him back from that creeper."

"But how do we accomplish that?" asked Rebecca. "It's not like we can just suddenly teleport—"

"Actually," said Raven, as he jumped onto the table, "you can with this device."

Raven did some overly complicated and, at one point, gravity-defying flips and twists in the air, and a magic wand clattered to the table. It was covered in cat hair, like everything else Vaida owned.

"Why don't _I_ have a magical cat?" Sain complained. "I'm cool enough, aren't I?"

Serra looked at Sain strangely. "You do," she said, just as Vaida said, "You can have him, all he does is whine in the corner all day."

Raven glared at Vaida. "Bitch." It came out more like a hiss though, so Vaida ignored him.

Sain gave Serra a questioning look. "I do?"

Lucius climbed onto the table. "Mew!"

Sain sighed. "Great, mine's magical, female, and doesn't talk."

"Guys," Canas said, adjusting his monocle, "can we please pay attention to the problem at hand?"

"What problem is that?" Lucius asked, absent from all the events until now. Raven didn't bother telling Lucius anything and Sain forgot he even existed. Thus, poor Lucius was kept in the dark.

"Nothing, Lucy," Raven said. "Go back to sleep. I'll be there in a minute."

Lucius jumped from the table and slinked into Vaida's bedroom.

"So that's why I didn't know I had a cat," Sain said. "She's always over here."

"He," Raven corrected. "Now, tomorrow is a full moon—"

"Oh great," Serra said, "there'll be loads of weirdoes out!"

Raven glared at her. "As I was saying, tomorrow is a full moon, and coincidentally, in order for this stick to work, it needs one. So meet back here in, oh, five hours, right at midnight, and then we can rescue Mr. Potato Head, all right?"

They all nodded, except Vaida, who was sound asleep up against a bookcase in the corner. Raven just sighed and shook his head.

_How the hell did she become a sailor senshi in the first place?_

-x-

Wallace saw nothing but darkness at first. Then he wondered why the darkness was tinged blue and how that was possible.

_Am I floating? Am I…am I dead?_

"Where am I?"

"You're awake," came a voice that seemed to echo, though it could have just been because of whatever Wallace was in—he still had no idea, except that he could swim inside it. So Wallace swam over to the front of the container and saw Marfiore standing there in front of him, arms crossed against his chest

"Where am I? Where's Vaida? Is she here? Vaida! Vai—" He sucked in too much water and coughed before wondering how the hell he could breathe here in the first place.

_Better not question the physics in this place_.

Marfiore scoffed at his concern for a woman who didn't even care about him.

"You're in—"

"Marth!"

Marfiore looked shocked for a moment as the voice came closer. He held up his hand and said, "Give me one second," before inching towards the door Wallace didn't even know existed. He opened it slightly and a sliver of light came through.

"Yes, dear?" he whispered.

"Cain is requesting a meet—" The owner of the feminine sounding voice seemed to notice something odd about her husband. "What's going on? Why are you dressed funny?"

Marth said, in all seriousness, "Making money for us to pay off the soldiers and our wedding."

The woman blinked. "Why don't you just raise taxes like every other king does?"

"Because, Caeda, the people don't have any money to pay the taxes as they are now… Can we talk about this later? I'm in the middle of something."

Caeda sighed. "All right, Marth. Don't forget to eat something, or I'll drag you out of there myself!"

"I won't," Marth promised with a smile, and gave her a peck on the mouth before closing the door.

"Right, where were we?"

"You were telling me where I was."

"Right, right," Marth said, and cleared his voice as he came back to his spot by the container. "You are in my secret lair of…secretness," he finished lamely.

Wallace didn't quite believe him. "If it's so secret than how come your wife—"

"Secret. Lair," Marfiore said through clenched teeth. This was embarrassing enough to say as it was, did he really have to repeat it? "And I have no wife. Only…you." He walked over and kissed the crystal container Wallace was held captive in.

_I am not getting paid enough to do this._

-x-

They were all geared up for battle—well, most of them were. Serra's robes didn't look much different from her Eliminean priestess garb, and Canas's robes made him look kind of girly even with the armor on. Serra didn't mind, but Canas was just a little self-conscious. After all, he wasn't all suited up like Sain was, decked out in green armor from head to toe. He looked like a knight and Canas did not, and this bothered him greatly. Vaida didn't care about her appearance, just that her awesome battle scars (which were really due to a childhood accident, but she wasn't going to tell anyone that) could be shown off. She was in the middle of the circle her fellow senshi formed, and in her hands was 'The Stick' as Raven called it (mostly because he couldn't be arsed to come up with a half-way decent name).

A cloud slowly passed across the moon, blocking the light. A nearby streetlamp buzzed on and Vaida scowled at it. The lamp died out as if afraid of the warrior princess of Bern.

"Hurry the hell up, stupid cloud! I want to get this thing over with."

Cloud, who was an emo rain cloud, released a sudden downpour on Vaida. "I can only go so fast, you know!"

Vaida was not a happy warrior princess. "Rebecca, you are the senshi of thunder, are you not?"

Rebecca nodded.

"Can you zap that stupid cloud for me, please? We don't have time for this!"

Rebecca nocked an arrow onto her super special bow and pulled back on the bowstring. She aimed, said some mystical sounding words, and shot the arrow off. Cloud, who was just an emo rain cloud, got stuck by the arrow, and to add insult to injury, was electrified. He fell from the heavens in a pile of cotton.

"Interesting," Canas said, and collected a sample of it to research more thoroughly later.

"Hey, that was my—"

Vaida stamped her booted foot on the cloud, knocking it out. She held The Stick up in the air and moonlight filtered through the orb on top of it. The light encompassed all of them, starting as a circle around them on the ground and gradually shooting light upwards.

"Take us to—"

Everyone waited as they clasped hands.

"Wait, where exactly _is_ Teapot, anyway?"

No one answered because no one knew where he was either. Vaida shrugged.

"Take us to wherever the hell Wallace is!"

Raven blinked and they were gone.

"I hate my life," he said, and then padded on inside to be with his cat lover.


	4. Chapter 4

**Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato**

**-Four-**

**Author's Note:** The end of Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato! I had so much fun writing this. But fear not! Tuxedo Wallace will return at some point.

Standard warnings and everything from the previous chapters still applies. Still crack, still for Xirysa, etc.

-x-

They crash landed on a hill somewhere near a castle. Vaida landed gracefully on her feet, Sain got a mouthful of dirt, Serra landed head-over-heel; Canas and Rebecca both ended up in a nearby tree.

"Where the hell _are_ we?" Vaida practically shouted.

"I would assume we're where Wallace is being kept," Serra said, rubbing her head. "In that castle over there that's kind of ominous looking."

"It's _not_ ominous looking."

All of them turned to see Marfiore seemingly floating in the air. Wallace was still in his crystal prison behind him, seemingly perplexed by his current position.

"How did you people find me here?"

"Magic," Vaida said, just as Sain said, "With our magic stick."

Serra punched him in the arm.

"And why are you here?"

Vaida rolled her eyes. "Look here you villain-wannabe with hideous fashion sense! I may not like Teapot most of the time, but he is my boyfriend because of contractual obligations, and therefore I have to at least rescue his ass from creepers like you!"

Marfiore looked down at his outfit.

_This is the last time I let Merric give me costumes to wear._

"If you want Wallace back," Marfiore said with a smirk, "you'll have to go through my potato army first!"

He waved his hand and potato-like things appeared, surrounding Vaida and her group of misfit senshi. They sprouting, showing gigantic dragonfly-like things that ululated something that sounded like a war cry.

"Some army," Serra taunted, whipping out her clerical staff. "I'll show you I can indeed kick some butt! Take this!" She whacked one of the monsters over the head with her staff, killing it. Sain was impressed as he magicked out a lance.

"I didn't know you could do that," Sain said, spearing another potato thing.

Serra giggled. "Neither did I!"

"Um, a little help up here?" Rebecca called, still stuck in the tree with Canas.

Marfiore, meanwhile, was lounging in a tree reading a book entitled _The Manual of Evil Prowess_. For someone who could easily go insane, he really sucked at being insane. And evil. Wallace banged on the glass of his prison with a potato, but all it did was ruin his potato.

"No!" he shouted, cradling the potato to his chest. "You fiend! Your prison has ruined my favourite potato!"

Marfiore ignored him.

"Hey, don't we have like a combo attack or something?" Sain asked as he pwned another potato monster. "Or are our support levels not high enough for that yet?"

"Let's try it," Serra suggested, and grasped his hand. "Super duper fire lance stick attack!"

Everything surrounding them instantly died.

"I think you should rename that to be the Deux ex machina attack," Vaida said wryly.

"Do you guys have anything for getting us out of this tree?" Rebecca asked, before falling out of said tree. "Ouch!"

"You! Fashion Crime! Stop reading your pussy book and get down here so I can cut you into ribbons!"

Marfiore set down his book on kittens and ran a hand through his hair. "Don't think so." He promptly fell from the tree, because Karma is a bitch. Vaida pinned him to said tree, getting an up close and personal look at the villain.

_Why do villains have to be so good looking?_ she thought.

"Don't do it," Marfiore said, looking at the tip of her lance.

"Don't do what?" Vaida asked.

"Whatever it is you're going to do."

"Why?"

Marfiore smirked and gestured to the dark orb on his mantle clasp. "Because I'm evil and therefore have tricks up my sleeve."

Vaida scoffed. "Somehow I doubt that since, you know, you suck as a villain."

"That's because my day job is being a saintly king," he retorted. "Now let go or I'll do something I'll surely regret."

Vaida cut his cheek. "Try me, bitch."

Marfiore felt his cheek and wiped away blood. "Have it your way, Warrior Princess Vaida." He shoved her off him and touched the tree behind him.

"Do your worst, Dark Orb," he said, invoking the power of the brooch on his cape. The ground shook and encased Serra and the others in dirt before swallowing them up.

"You do realize I don't care about the others, right?"

Marfiore laughed evilly. "I think you will soon enough."

Vaida paused in contemplation for a minute.

_That laugh sounded familiar…_

"Hey… Wait a minute. Didn't we fight you before?" she asked, her fingers clutching the lance she loved so much.

"Before?" Marfiore asked. "When?"

"You know… When aliens or whatever came down to Elibe. You had a girl with you then."

The earth shook and up came Serra, Sain, Rebecca, and Canas in some weird vine-like pole.  
>"Can you guys get me out of here?" Wallace shouted, his voice severely muffled in that crystal prison thing. "My potatoes are getting soggy!"<p>

Marfiore stared at Vaida before looking at the dark orb pinned to his clothing in the form of a potato. The person inside the orb, who looked suspiciously like Xane, shrugged.

Marfiore cleared his throat.  
>"We alien people all kind of look the same," he lied.<br>Vaida laughed. "Look, you, you expect us to believe this, Marth?"  
>"Marfiore," he corrected. "Marth was the other alien guy."<p>

"Oh, so you know who I'm talking about then."

"There are only two alien guys in this whole stupid series!" _And you play both of them_, he added mentally.  
>"Soggy potatoes!" Wallace shouted, and banged a gloved fist against the crystal.<br>"CAN WE JUST GET ON WITH WHATEVER IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?" Serra demanded from the vine-pole she and her fellow senshi happened to still be trapped to. "My arms are going numb!"

Marfiore drew his rapier and pointed it at Vaida's throat. "If you let me have Wallace, I'll spare you and your comrades."  
>Vaida laughed again. "With what, that rapier? They can't even cut paper with that, let alone kill someone!"<p>

Marfiore stabbed Canas just to make a point. "I'm sorry, but I'm evil right now. I kill people for seemingly no reason at all."  
>Serra shrieked. "Vaida! Do something!"<br>Vaida bit her lip. "What do you want from me, Marfiore?"

Marfiore laughed. "I want you to _die_."  
>"Wha—" Vines captured Vaida's arms and legs and held her high in the air so all could see. "This isn't some perverted thing, is it?"<p>

_What kind of person do you take me for?_ "Of course not!"

Vaida sighed in relief. "Just torture then?"

Marfiore nodded.

"All right." She struggled a bit before being zapped hard. Marfiore laughed evilly again.

"Once I have harvested your life essence or whatever the heck I'm taking from you, I will feed it to my potato army and send them down to Elibe!"

Vaida grunted against the pain—she wasn't one to scream. "And then what will you do?"

Marfiore shrugged. "Rule the world, I guess, though I kind of already…"

"Why are you doing this?" Rebecca screamed. She was upside down on the vine-pole.

"Why, you ask?"

"Uh, yeah, that's why I asked you."

Marfiore suddenly appeared next to the vine-pole. "You see, that wench over there took something very precious to me, and I want it back after all these years. But she's in my way. So I have no choice but to kill her."

"Well that's kind of stupid," Serra commented.

"What do you know about nefarious deeds, anyway?" Marfiore asked

"Speak Common!" Serra screeched. "I don't understand what you're trying to say!"

Marfiore blinked. "I _am_ speaking Common."

"You sound like a country bumpkin!" Serra said. Rebecca glared at her. Marfiore zapped Serra for good measure.

"Anyone else want to be zapped?"

"I want to be out of here!" Wallace shouted, slamming himself against the crystal casing. "My potatoes are soggy!"

Marfiore released Vaida, who now resembled Burnt Warrior Princess.

"Are you dead yet?" he asked gently, walking over to Vaida now.

"No," Vaida croaked. "Just mostly dead."

"I suppose that's better than all dead, isn't it?"

"I'd like to think so."

"So wait a minute," Serra said. "You're just bitter because Vaida became friends with Wallace and he spent more time with you?"

"Yes."

Serra laughed. "That's the stupidest—eeeeeek!"

Marfiore's eyes glowed an icy blue. "One more taunt from you, and I'll kill you for real."

"You know, Vaida's actually quite nice once you get used to her bitchy side," Rebecca said. "She found all of us."

"Unfortunately," Vaida added. She slowly sat up and the brooch she wore at the center of her chest glowed slightly.

"Yeah," Sain chimed in, "she taught me that girls don't appreciate men who are full of themselves."

"And she taught me how to one-shot things!" Rebecca said cheerfully.

"She taught me how to be a badass," Serra said.

Canas said nothing since he was technically dead.

"She saved us from ourselves," Serra continued. "If it weren't for her, we would've been ten times worse."

Marfiore shuddered. _That can't be possible._

Vaida was now standing. "Come over here so I can…kick your ass."

Wallace slammed his fist through the crystal wall on front of him and then the container exploded into crystal shards and water.

"Finally!" he said, gasping for breath. "Don't you touch Vaida!"

"Too late for that, Teapot." Vaida's brooch glowed to the point where it was rather blinding. Marfiore covered his eyes with his arm.

"Touch it, Marfiore," Vaida said. Marfiore blushed. She grabbed his hand and placed it on her brooch. "Feel this? It's warm, isn't it? This is what the good side feels like, even!"

The warmth tickled at his mind, bringing forth a memory he swore he buried a long time ago.

_"My parents are dead," Marfiore cried into his arms as he sat on the hospital bed._

_"Oh hey, so're mine!" chirped the boy in the bed next to him. "How did yours die?"_

_"Well," sniffled a young Marfiore, his eyes red from crying for three days straight. "My father was killed because the Gods didn't like him, and my mother was brutally murdered because the Gods didn't like her either. I'm all alone!"_

_A large hand patted him on the back. "Buck up, man! Crying will get you nowhere! It won't bring back my parents from that deadly potato farming incident…"_

_Marfiore sniffled again._

_"Let's be friends," said the boy. "Name's Wallace Wallington. What's yours?"_

_"Marfiore," said the sniffling boy. "Marfiore Lowell."_

"I cried too much," Marfiore said, just as another memory washed over him.

_Marfiore stood on the roof, his eyes cast to the skies above._

_"Marfiore!"_

_He turned to see a panting Wallace in the doorway._

_"Wallace? You shouldn't be out of bed!"_

_Wallace came running over, and Marfiore couldn't help but think Wallace looked like a girl, what with the oversized nightgown the hospital made them all wear and the long hair…_

_"You were going to leave without saying goodbye!" He grasped his friend's shoulders. "That's not right, you know."_

_"I thought it would be better this way…"_

Vaida noticed the glazed look in Marfiore's eyes and sighed.

"This always happens whenever I use this stupid thing.

_"Here, I have a present for you, so you can remember me."_

_Marfiore flushed. "Wallace, you don't have to… I have nothing to give you in return!"_

_Wallace shoved the potato into Marfiore's hands. "When you come back to visit, you can give me something then. Until then, don't forget me!"_

Marfiore blinked a few times and realized where he was. He ignored Vaida and focused on Wallace, his gaze softening.

"Wallace," he said, as he took a step towards him. "Wallace, I found you the perfect gift…"

"I think he's lost it," Serra muttered.

Wallace just stared longingly at Vaida. Marfiore shook him.

"I found you the perfect potato…." He gestured to the dark orb. "Isn't it beautiful?"

Wallace examined it closely. "It is," he agreed. "It definitely is."

"We can rule the world together," Marfiore said. "You, me, and this Dark Potato… We'll be unstoppable!"

_What the hell am I saying?_

"But I have Vaida—"

"Vaida, Vaida, Vaida! That's all you talk about!" The Dark Potato glowed. "What's so special about her, anyway? All she does is make fun of you—she loves you because it says so in her contract! And yet you are undyingly devoted to her, all for what? Answer me, Wallace!"

"Well I would if you stopped talking," Wallace said, before laughing heartily. "Viper does indeed make fun of me, but that's our little way of showing affection!"

Vaida made a gagging noise.

"And so what if she only loves me because the future dictates so? I didn't like her in the beginning, either. We'll learn to love each other in time. Besides… She gave me the best gift of all!" Wallace touched Marfiore's chest, right where the Dark Potato now resided, and shared a special memory with him.

_"Hey! Keep it down in there!" came a voice by Wallace's bedside._

_"I can't help but cry," said the boy. "My best friend in the whole wide world is leaving today, and I don't have a present to give him!"_

_The little girl sighed and looked at the tray in her hands. "This potato was for my mom since she just gave birth to a horrible baby brother, but you can have it." She left the tray on his bed. "Potatoes will cheer anyone up, or that's what my dad says. It raises the morale of Bernese soldiers, so it must be true!"_

"That potato," Marfiore said, his voice unsteady. "It was given to you by…by _her_?" He pointed to Vaida like he would his dog.

Wallace nodded.

"Hey, princey!" said the person inside the Dark Potato. "You gonna let this guy get away with causing you all this grief? Punish him and his loved ones!"

Marfiore looked at the person inside the Dark Potato. "But Xane, what does wanting to kill Vaida and the others have to do with the rest of the world? You never explained that to me."

"Because, princey, you don't need to know it. Just know that it's what the Gods want."

"But—"

"But nothing! Do I have to do everything for you? No wonder Chris had to screen your mail and write your letters for you!"

"…Chris did _what_?"

Xane caused some pink swirly mist to circle around Marfiore and close in on him. Marfiore coughed and spat out some pink dust.

"These people caused you to suffer! Now's the time for revenge!"

Vaida sighed. "Why do I have to fix all of Wallace's messes?"

"You know, I can't feel half of my body," Sain commented. "Think we could be released?"

Marfiore sighed and snapped his fingers. Sain, Serra, and Rebecca fell to the ground below.

"Let's get this over with."

Vaida made some gestures over her chest and a huge diamond-like stone appeared between her hands, glowing with a heavenly light. With a dramatic twirl, she was dressed in a long white gown with long, golden hair flowing in the breeze.

"Dammit, I just cut my hair, too!"

Marfiore held up his sword and attempted to stop Vaida from making him a good guy, but Wallace knocked the sword out of his hands. It landed next to Canas's technically dead body.

"Well that was anticlimactic," Marfiore commented, and lurched when Xane wanted him to grab Vaida's diamond-like stone. Marfiore screamed when he did, for it was the equivalent of holy water for a vampire, and seemingly evaporated into thin air.

"That was the worst boss fight ever," Sain commented from his position on top of Serra. She shoved him off of her.

"It's not over yet," Vaida said. "Look at what we're standing on."

They all looked at the ground beneath their feet and saw they were standing on what looked like a huge chunk of rock.

"Apparently this was all an illusion created by Marfiore," Vaida said, "and this is going to crash into Elibe and cause mass-extinctions if we don't stop it."

"Um, Vaida? How do you know this?" Rebecca asked.

"Because he whispered it to me before he died."

"What kind of plan is this even called?" Sain asked.

Vaida's face deadpanned as she watched Elibe slowly come closer and closer to their position.

"Operation Meteor."

-x-

Heath looked up at the night sky, head resting against the window sill.

"Ten bucks says they burn up in the atmosphere," Heath mumbled to Raven next to him.

"Make that twenty and you have yourself a deal."

Heath shook Raven's paw and kept his attention on the sky.

-x-

"So how do we stop a giant meteor from killing everything?" Sain asked.

Vaida looked at her glowing crystal. "Well, we do have this thing here…"

"But if you use it," Serra said, "you'll die!"

Vaida chuckled. "That's a risk I'll have to take if I want to save the world. Again."

_Seems that's all I'm good for anyway_, Vaida thought. _The Gods really are cruel._

She stood directly in the middle of the meteor and held the crystal out in front of her, concentrating her thoughts and energy on saving the world and all that jazz.

"We should help her," Wallace said, magically transforming from Tuxedo Wallace into Prince Wallace. "I don't think I can get used to magic stuff like this."

He wrapped his arms around Vaida and for once she didn't complain; he focused all of his power into the tiny crystal between her hands.

"Wallace is right," Sain said. "We have to help her."

"But we're missing Canas," Rebecca noted. "Marfiore killed him, remember?"

"Guys, I'm not really dead," Canas said, standing up.

Serra sighed. "He was a good friend… But it's okay, he'll be back tomorrow, when he's reincarnated with no memory of us."

Canas cleared his throat. "Um, I'm not dead."

Sain mock cried. "I can still hear his voice carried on the wind…"

They all clasped hands (even Canas) and said words in another language, something much more ancient than the Gods themselves. Each senshi glowed their respective colour (even Canas) and sent energy into the crystal. A warm pink light surrounded the meteor, breaking most of it up into space chunks. Vaida pushed and pushed and pushed until the crystal shattered.

"Well that sucks," she said before her body went limp in Wallace's arms.

-x-

Wallace didn't know how long they had been on the remnants of the meteor, but it felt like eternity. Serra kept smacking Vaida, but it proved to be ineffective.

"Wake up, Vaida…" she said in between tears. "Wake up, or I'll keep smacking you until you wake up!"

Sain placed a hand on Serra's shoulder and shook his head. "She's gone, Serra."

Serra screamed. "She knew she would die if she pushed it too hard! It's all Canas's fault! We didn't have enough energy to prevent this!" She fell against Sain's chest and sobbed.

Wallace sighed. "Now Heath won't exist and I won't get to rule any kingdom of awesome…"

"Wallace…"

Wallace looked up and saw Marfiore standing in front of him.

"You killed Vaida."

Marfiore looked affronted in all his semi-transparent glory. "I did not. She killed herself trying to save the world. Hardly my fault."

Wallace glared at him.

"I wasn't lying when I said I found you the best potato in the universe…" He pulled out the most unique potato in all of the ten galaxies. "I've infused it with my life energy so you can bring Vaida back."

"But that means you'll die."

"Wallace," Marfiore said gently, "I'm already dead. Take my noble sacrifice, please, so this whole thing can end."

Wallace bit into the potato and then kissed Vaida. She slowly opened her eyes and shoved Wallace away.

"Teapot! What do you think you are doing?"

All assembled laughed as the meteor sailed around Elibe before landing in the Sacaean plains.

**END**


End file.
